so i've taken the time to really reflect on everything, and i think i've figured out what was wrong.

it's all about emotional suppression. every time i should get upset at stuff and i dont, well all that energy builds up and then when something actually does set me off everything come crashing down.

luckily i'm pretty efficient at shuffling through everything to where i'm fine within a couple days.

things feel like they're starting to get back to normal.

actually.

scratch that, things feel like they are gonna start to get better. :)

though i will say, i do expect some sort of confrontation with a couple people in the near future, but what must be done must be done!

i feel like i'm suddenly wading through gallons of molasses. everything i do seems difficult. everything makes me upset.

life was great, i was so happy with everything and the direction everything was going in, and then all the sudden everything seemed to shatter.

it all feels fake. it feels like i'm being isolated. i feel left out, no pushed out. i know that's not true, but it feels like that.

i keep having thoughts, bad thoughts, and i'm honestly starting to scare myself. i thought for a while maybe i should leave? but the few options I have for places to go aren't immediately feasible.

this isn't me, I have so much control over myself, my emotions. my normal coping methods aren't working, and I don't understand what's happening. i need help, but i don't know where to turn.